Hello, the only thing I have to say right now is that im starting to regret the things I did before. . . The once that really altered my "normal" way of living. . .

I hate regretting, I always thought theres no point in having regrets, I mean, it just shows how stupid you were to make decisions that would make you regret them, and it will even make you feel sulkier when you do, thats why I always, always tell myself never to regret, and just always think that you learned a good lesson in doing those things thats why you shouldnt regret them when something unexpected happens (which always does). . .

The second resort how ever when this comes to pass is blaming others, and for me another stupid thing to do, you made those decisions yourself, why the hell would you blame others for it?! -.- sheeesh. . .

*sighs*. . .

I wrecked my life, lost important friends, made me live an even harder life right now, gave me a hard time making up with the people I dont want to lose, made me feel even more stupid and have I mentioned wrecked my life?. . .

Right now im really confused, if it wasnt for what I decided on doing before I wouldnt have met great people who affected my life greatly, but in the process I lost some of the people who are important to me. . . So Im grateful but I really didnt want to lose the people I lost. . . Do you get my point?. . .

*sighs*. . .

Whatever. . . Dont mind that, I dont think im making any sense. . .

I havent finished reading One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, my baby borrowed it its sort of twisted, its absurd, as in incest, like really weird theories, beliefs, nonetheless, its a great book (even though youre going to get tired and confused reading all the names over and over and over, like Jose Arcadio Buendia, Arcadio Jose, Arcadio, Jose Arcadio, Aureliano Jose, Aureliano, see what I mean? ), the way he incorporated the past and the present is pretty amazing i cant even find the right words to describe it, and havent even finished reading half of the book, not even a third of the book

Im reading Paolo Coelhos Eleven Minutes right now, im almost finished with it, its actually different compared to his other novels, its about women (almost all his books are about women :D), of course enlightenment, but in a sexual way, physically and "emotionally" sexual, and I like it, I really like the book and I recommend you guys read it, im actually thinking of quoting a lot of the things in the book when I dont have anything to write The main character is actually a prostitute, oh yeah, and theres this Filipina mentioned, her name is Nyah (of all the names diba?) shes the co worker of Maria (the main character of the story) in a night club in Geneva, Switzerland. Filipinos talaga are known when it comes to prostitution, hayyy. . .

The funny thing is, so far, the "Eleven Minutes" described in this book is the span of time where in a "prostitute and a client" (a person and another person) are having sexual intercourse I dont think that counts the removing of clothes and the talking before and after the intercourse :D

Anyway, in a way, I can relate to Maria (yes, pokpokerz kasi ako eh, hahaha), heres one of the things she wrote that I like. . .

"I stood for a long time by the roller coaster, and I noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop."

"What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldnt they be prepared to go the whole way? Or do they think the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot?"

"The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; its taking chances, fall over and getting up again; its mountaineering; its wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it."

"If I had fallen asleep and suddenly woken up on a roller coaster, what would I feel?"

"Well, I would feel trapped and sick, terrified of every bend, wanting to get off. However, if I believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. It becomes exactly what a roller coaster is, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, I must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement."

That person is a very lonely person, and still she has this positive view of life, that even though truly she doesnt know the meaning of her life, and she thinks most of the time it is meaningless, her faith, her belief in god is the only thing that matters, as long as she has faith, there is meaning. . .

If only its that easy for me to believe. . .

Uh. . . im reading John Stuart Mills essay On Liberty, and its so freaking long. . . and I have to finish this before I sleep coz im going to meet my group mates tom at 8. . .

Shoot. . .

I have this terrible terrible tooth ache, I even had to go to the dentist, and they made me take antibiotics and I dont know what the hell for medicine, and it costs so much (I was planning on saving up for me and my babys up coming anniversary but oh well, life sucks), and I have to go back to have my freakin mouth x-rayed and set an appointment so that they could pull the freaking tooth next Monday, and I hate dentists, I dread them. . . When I was in 5th grade, they even had to call my dad after 3 hours of putting up with me to have my teeth successfully removed, and 3 more hours with my dad helping the dentist with her 3 assistants, hehehe, im even allergic to anesthesia. . . huhuhu. . . im such a baby, but hey, I cant help it. . .

Okay, this makes me miss my dad so much. . . my dad is my life if hes here with us right now, id be living luxuriously, damn it, hehehe, really, im that spoiled when it comes to my dad, and I wouldnt end up like this, like how I ended up right now, hehehe, (that makes sense ) we used to play basketball together, and wrestle, and do stuff father and son does, and he boosts my self-esteem no matter what, and he believes in me so much (and look how i ended up today, talk about destroying my fathers trust, as in totally wrecking it. . .) he is the person i love most (next is my baby. . . hmmm. . .) and god took him away from me, most specially during the time i needed him badly (that makes it everyday. . .) but thats life, really, good people are the first ones god takes from this world, well, okay except Mother Theresa. . . dont get me wrong, I dont blame god, I did, but I dont now. . .

Im getting mushy, actually I just finished the first three sentences of the first paragraph of john mills essay and theres still like, uhhh. . . almost 50 pages to go?. . . shoot. . . I couldnt stop reading your blogs, I better get started on mill

Ayan, ngayon lang ako sinipag magsulat ng entry. . .

Hmmm. . . nde pa ako tapos mag enroll, huhuhu, may kulang pa ako na 6 units pak, tapos tinatamad ako mag English kaya ayan, etoh ganito na lang. . .

Ang panget ng Harry Potter, napanood ko nung Wednesday yata, pero ang panget, panget ng pagka cut, shet pagnabasa niyo yung book madidisappoint lang kayo kasi ang panget talaga pare, tapos so Dumbledore wala siyang dating tapos pinaltan na din yung ibang chracters, gaya ni aunt petunia at tatay ni ron, hehehe, tapos ano, ahm, mature na itsura nila, tamo si Neville diba dapat maliit siya? Mukhang lampa ganon, eh mas matangkad or magkasing tangkad lang sila ni harry eh, tas yung last part pa, yung sa may whopping willow at shrieking shack, sobrang binilisan nila ang mga pangyayari, nawala tuloy yung momentum na nalaman ni harry na mabait si Sirius, at sana si stewart townsend na lang si Sirius black, shet shet shet, ampanget talaga, nakaka disappoint!!! Pero okay naman yung effects ek ek. . .

May sakit pa ako, shet shet shet, manonood na ako ng pedeng panonoorin, mamaya =D

Is it also fate that works its "magic" on a person whos bothered?. . .

Coz ive been switching from channel to channel, and its all about darn trust, or making out or hugging, or couples. . . things ive been avoiding today. . .

Ive ran out of ideas on how to deal with things. . .

Why is it that whenever someone asks you for advice you could give out a hundred ways for things to work out, but when it comes to yourself, you always run out of ideas?. . .

Or whenever you tell yourself you wouldnt cry anymore because of something, the more you cry about it when it comes?. . .

Or when you tell yourself you wouldnt fall for the same jerk or same type of jerk, better yet, never fall in love again, the more you would?. . .

Or when you say you want to lose weight, but youd be eating more that the amount you consume normally in a day?. . .

Or when you know you have to read your readings early to get ready for an exam the more you slack off on reading it?. . .

Do you get my point? i could think of a million examples in different situations, with the same point. . .

Arent people weird? They make this things part of their culture, their norms, "their general responses to certain stimuli", even though they suffer because of it. . .

Obviously I dont want to talk about whats happening to me, I would do anything to obliterate those thoughts and memories in my head, oh well, I guess theres the wonder in being a schizophrenic, or maybe, I could actually have some doctor damage a part of my amygdala or hippocampus, shit, my moms pissing me off, better get my butt in my room before I totally lose it -.-